Conversation Among Friends

HE SAID...

“Shopper,” she whispered in my ear and fell back to the couch, delighted at the fact that I’m voluntarily telling on myself. See her, she knows me. Whether I choose to admit or not. How much does she know? I couldn’t tell you. But she hasn’t been wrong yet.

Two face to faces six months apart, some dozen phone conversations and hundreds of text messages and she’s getting me.

I told her I wouldn’t leave this time. I had no way of making her believe me other than pointing out the fact that I never made that promise before. See because her, I think I hurt when I vanished. I’m not really sure what kind of hurt it was. I’m scared to find out. I’m going to ask her when this piece is complete. I have to. A part of me empathizes with her emotion. It’s part of the reason why I picked that hectic day to finally see her. I owed her that. And more. Her, is a blessing. That feeling you get from just being appreciated as you are…it’s good feeling.

She told me that the circumstance under which this camaraderie was forged was wack. From her perspective and mine, she’s absolutely correct. The wackness of it is short lived when you reflect on the present. Her, has things in common with me and that’s refreshing. Relaxing too. And though we’re not completely in a relaxation state, that’s the direction we’re facing. Sun’s in our face.

But don’t misunderstand my praise for her and what’s between us as a declaration of her being “the one for me” or something along that line. Yes, she is smart and sexy to boot. Yes, she’s got a thing for a fresh pair of sneakers like me. Yes, she’s creative and innovative. And yes, in a pair of heels has a strut badder than Nia’s in The Best Man. But all that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to pursue her. The code was written in my DNA but I’ve made some changes to it as of late and I have to admit, I’m really digging the results. The other day, she texted me to thank me for the warmth and comfort of my friendship so I have to say she’s digging them too.

then SHE SAID...

He didn’t even have the decency to walk into my life. Somehow he sidestepped the usual rules of engagement, caught me off guard with his openness about how men do what they do. Honesty. It’s always been attractive. His earnestness stood out even thru the supposed anonymity of cyberspace. Online community always felt like an oxymoron, only to discover kindred spirits, gentle hearts, purple stars and blue diamonds.
He’s so easy. Not because the words are written on him, but because the connection is so right, like puzzle-pieces. He man, she woman. And so…? And so she respects him and he respects her and they…work. But it wasn’t always this easy. Well it was, but he resisted it. He tried to walk away but something in her resisted because it didn’t make sense. She learned along the way not to let go of that which is important. Without knowing it would be like this, she just knew this one was a keeper & fought for the truth she could see clearer than he.
Him trying at all gave pause. Abandonment never feels right when things are as they should be. Lived that once before & still question if I let go too easy. But that was a wedding bells thing, this shouldn’t be that hard. & yet… There’s this thing in some of us that makes loss difficult. Trusted this 1 openly & early & for reasons not fully revealed. The process, or lack thereof, was damn near frightening—finding a place in my heart for a virtually faceless persona. It gave breath to the truth of the matter; it’s what’s inside that counts. The blood that runs through him tasted pure on my tongue, I feared no poison. But I’ve been wrong before.
He gave deeper meaning to the word acceptance. Reason or a season is REAL & HE made she feel, before knowing him more fully, that either way would be a blessing for them both. & she don’t even use that word often. She accepted it & didn’t resist. His resistance meant he didn’t trust 1 of us. The possibility that it could be her felt like a paper cut-it stung. The possibility that it could be him he didn’t trust made her wonder if men really can’t stand on their tippy toes & look over their dick heads (pun intended) to see the sturdiness of the building blocks of true friendship. Friendship in itself is a variation on love. Everyone wins until someone chooses to lose.
Two came together over a violation of the worst kind, at the hands of someone who’d claimed himself friend & I believed. Him being supportive, without hesitation or requirement gave her comfort & courage. Him pulling away from the table after that made me question if she’d misjudged yet again? Was she in fact tainted goods now? Would trusting become part of the past? She would never want to pull anyone into such a drama. He called out to her, made her feel no judgment would be passed. He jumped in with words and concern like a brother or father would-the way a man who cares for a woman would. & then nothing. There was no sense to be made of it & even the intensity of the sting surprised her. Where had this man come from to be snatched back so quickly? Too many people were being given their papers. Space was being made & he pitched a for sale sign before he ever even moved in. Cavernous. Echoes returned from seas yet uncharted, whispering loudly of friendship. But he’d already deferred, packed her shit up w/Return to Sender. An Indian Giver of the worst kind.
Like faith in one’s God, she had faith that where they intersected would draw them closer again. She was prepared to wear fresh kicks & happen by hi on the streets of the Illadelph. But that’s akin to stalking & she ain’t met the relationship (of any sort) that’s that serious. 6 months later & hundreds of texts in, he came out of himself & shined on her again. Her smile brightened. She’d heard about praying to Ralph. Guess he works miracles after all. She hopes he’s glad he returns & never regrets it. She hopes he can continue to appreciate the cornucopia that she is, enjoy the scenery while he takes in the rest, & find value in it all. There’s few like her. This experience is rare.
She’s treasure-chested him. He should let her know if he ever feels boxed in. She saw him recently. She leaned in & said something to him, knowingly. He smiled cuz she was dead on. She smiled because she can be clairvoyant & often knows a lot more. It’s not for her to tell but for them to walk together. She’s committed to thanking him for his role. She hopes he never gets embarrassed by the acknowledgry [is in there…yeah] (Footnotin' Phife Dawg).